Voicemail

I've heard some annoying voicemail and answering machine messages lately. I really don't think people know what their messages sound like.

There should be a rule against having your child leave a message on the machine. If your child sounds like she's not even speaking English, she has no business leaving a message (or answering the phone, but that's another topic). And it's especially not cute when you're coaching, whispering in the background. At least, if you're coaching, make sure you're audible enough to be understandable since we can't understand your kid.

And stop saying you'll call back at your earliest convenience! That makes it sound like you won't call back except when it's convenient for you. I think these are well-intentioned messages; I think they stem from messages others leave on your answering machine, saying you can call them back at your earliest convenience. This is a courtesy they extend so you don't feel the need to call back as soon as you get in the door. The courtesy you give in your away message should be that you'll call back as soon as you get a chance, so as to imply that you attribute some sort of importance to the calls you receive. No matter how nice you sound, saying you'll call back at your convenience comes across as rude and ignorant.

Also, the music has got to go. Why do we need to listen to a minute of a song we can't understand, followed by you talking over the song in a voice I assume you intend to come across as sultry, and then another minute of the song? And you're 37?

Any jokes are no longer original. We all know your refrigerator is not answering your phone. And we stopped falling for the "hello-hello-just kidding" back in 1993.

Just tell us who we've reached and tell us to leave a message. If you're witty and clever, we already know, or we'll learn when you call us back.